My hocd is torturing me.
I'm a female 17 and I've had it since I was 13. My first fears were easy to reassure but now, 4 yrs later, NOTHING helps until the spike randomly disappears. I came to the point of being unable to tell a girl is pretty because GOD FORBID my hocd hears that (lol as if its a person) because it would immediately turn into a spike. But whenever I 'reassure' myself and think bleh she's ok, my mind screams at me 'stop lying, you are gay.'

I also have HORRIBLE urges to come out. I don't feel guilty talking about boys to my parents and I never felt like I was lying whenever I thought a boy was cute, but my mind keeps torturing me and honestly I just want to die.

I've been thinking about suicide but I'm too weak to actually do something...it's just a never ending cycle and it's horrible. My heart breaks when I remember I used to be normal and happy. I never had a boyfriend and fantasizing about them was so fun to me. Before, whenever I'd think 'oh she's pretty' I would NEVER think I'm attracted to any girl in that way, but now I just don't know anymore.

I'm so freaking lost and hurting so much Idk if there's any light at the end of the tunnel for me..

This is my second post today because I'm really anxious and stressed today.

I remember in 8th grade thinking 'oh wow I wouldn't wanna date anyone now' and I was okay with that, but now when I'm 17 and never had a bf, I'm afraid that some boy will like me and I will like him but my ocd will ruin it for me, or that maybe I'll never return feelings to any boy.

I know that I'd never be able to connect emotionally to any female (like, have crushes or love them like that) bc it just doesn't interest me, with boys it does, but I get horrible groinals (if you dont know what that is - its when you feel something similar to arousal (but its NOT)) around random girls, even older woman which is ABSURD!!! I also thought that maybe I'm asexual if I don't wanna date anyone, bc sometimes I'd find a boy attractive and when he'd start paying attention to me I'd freak out completely. I thought also maybe I was asexual but I can't be bc I do get aroused and wanna have sex one day for sure, with a boy.

In a nutshell, I'm afraid that I'll never be able to date anyone because of my ocd. Idk, I'm REALLY SAD AND FREAKED OUT RIGHT NOW

I'm a f17, had my hocd since I was 13.

I went through all sorts of spikes and fears, and somehow managed to pull through all of them,
but my current one is THE WORST.

I have a feeling like I'm already gay and came out and that everyone thinks I'm obviously gay since I never had a bf, and am pretty shy when it comes to that (only a few of my really close friends know who I crushed on), but I know for a fact that I did have a lot of boys that I wanted to notice me.

Not even reassurance helps me anymore. When this hell started I would at least get that 'splash' of relief whenever I would manage to reassure myself that indeed I'm not gay, but now that doesn't happen. I'm either mildly anxious or so anxious to the point of not being able to see a picture of a girl without getting intrusive thoughts (which don't bother me anymore...idk, I guess my mind is used to that $#%^ by now).

What I wanna ask is if anyone is going through the similar experience now and if you have any thoughts please share bc I'm lost right now

So I'm a f17 and I've had my hocd since I was 13.
When I was around 11-12 I also had obsessive paranoid thoughts and fears about being kidnapped, so when my first hocd thoughts kicked in I thought it would just go away like the other ones did, and boy was I wrong.
It's been a long, horrible struggle. I've had incest fears, false attractions (HORRIBLY REALISTIC) which made me have to distance myself from all my good female friends, for a while I wasn't able to use the word 'come out' or 'straight' because it would spike me so much.
I also had the phase where I'd get anxious because I wouldn't have any anxiety when intrusive thoughts would pop in.
But my current phase is the worst of all because it is SO REALISTIC. Like, when I had the fear of being attracted to my own parents, there was this strong voice in my head yelling 'that's not normal and ofc you don't like them,it's obviously a spike!!' but these current fears are so realistic.
I know for a fact that I find girls pretty and admire them but I'd never do anything with them. The thought of dating a girl doesn't cause me anxiety anymore but it holds no excitement to it whatsoever and it doesn't give me butterflies and 'awh' feeling like thinking about boys does.

My attraction to boys never fully went away (like for some people it did) but it would disappear for a while sometimes, for example when I had the fear of being asexual (ugh!!!)

The pattern I notice is that whenever I get a new spike,my old one would suddenly seem so funny and stupid to me. Like when I was fearing that I was asexual my mind was like yep you don't like girls but you also don't like boys so....

It just really sucks sometimes. I never had a boyfriend or have been kissed or in any type of situation like that (which is strange for a 17 y/o these days) and my mind instantly screams 'that's because you knew you were gay all along'. I'm not really the type to like EVERY boy that hits on me, I do have big standards, but I had all boy crushes (I even read my old diary and it only talked about boys that I liked), never ever did I want to be with a girl.

One day I was thinking about how if this hocd thing continues I'd never find a boyfriend and everyone thinks I'm gay so why not be gay then. It made me so depressed and made me wanna puke. I also have the fear that everyone,including my family,thinks I'm gay but they're just waiting for me to come out, and this forces me to think about everything I do and how I dress bc I don't want to 'look' or talk like I'm gay (no sense,I know).

Is anyone going through a similar phase? Or maybe already went through it? If so, please share some tips and experiences down below.

Hi guys ,
This is pretty awkward to me talking about anything related to therapy to anyone. I've been seeing my therapist for a month now , we had 4 sessions and 3 walks so far. What i wanna talk about is how i can open up to him and not feel so stiff around him and end up regretting not saying all i want or any of it at all. He says we have a good relationship but it’s different for me. I feel really disconnected. I have so much to tell him but it always ends with me not saying what i REALLY wanna say , especially when we have a walk. There’s that thing i do when i feel "bad" , i pretend that i'm telling him what i'm feeling so i calm down. Maybe it’s the reason i have nothing left to say ?
The reason i'm trying to find a way to be more open is that i feel forced by myself. I’m regretting everytime i see him and end up not saying what i feel at all , and i don’t wanna drop therapy. I really really need it. I had a really unpleasant event by the time of our 3rd session and it made me realize how lucky i am to have a therapist at all. I wanna start fresh and on good terms with him. I wanna trust him enough to be comfortable around him to make our process better and not feel pushed. And he’s just a nice person idk what’s wrong with me
I want to want to get better and not feel so forced by myself.